Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
