Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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