Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
