Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
