Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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