I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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