I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
