i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
