I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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