I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
