You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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