I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
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Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
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This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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