my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
