Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
