Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
