I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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