I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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