saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
