DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
if only i could text you this smell
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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