my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
