Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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