the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
