arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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