Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
