Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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