the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
