we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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