Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
