So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
