so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
