I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Who died my cat blue again?
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