got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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