the condom got lost in my hair
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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