the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
