he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize