I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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