My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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