At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
