508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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