shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
