Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
