I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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