I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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