It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
