Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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