I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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