At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
