The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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