Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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