peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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