yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
