don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
