I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
