I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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