today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
