if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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