I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
