Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
there is glitter all over my balls
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