My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
