Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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