I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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