everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
